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New Supercomputer Predicts EPL Scores

 Computers already pretty much run the world for us, for good and for bad, but when a supercomputer start muscling into predicting EPL scores, then we’ve crossed a line that should never have even been approached.

a supercomputer that predicts epl scores

dave bowler illustrationBy Dave Bowler

Somewhere in the bowels of the University of Salford lurks a “supercomputer” which has busied itself in predicting the outcome of the rest of the Premier League season. If it was that super, it might be better off calculating the outcome of the recent elections and referenda that have been conducted around the world though on second thoughts, maybe we’re better off not knowing…

So football it is and you will be staggered to learn that it reckons Chelsea are going to collect the top prize, and by a mile – seven points. It also reckons that Swansea, Sunderland and Hull for the drop. So far, so easy as predicting that Donald Trump has shares in a waterproof bedding company. But from there, it gets a little more interesting. With Manchester United’s recent surge set to end according to the application of these zeroes and ones – binary computing, not scorelines – leaving them adrift in sixth, between second and fifth there is set to be just a two point spread.

The computer has Tottenham leading the field, in second place on 78 points, which illustrates that the computer programmer has failed to feed in the age old wisdom that however good Spurs are and however bad Arsenal are, Arsenal will still finish above them. An alternative reading might be that it’s merely an update of the old legend that ravens leaving the Tower of London will signal the end of the Kingdom of Britain. If that’s the case, then clearly the computer has been alerted to the existence of Theresa May, Nigel Farage and Jeremy Corbyn and thus the Spurs supremacy suddenly makes sense.

Computer Love

Worse news yet for Arsenal is that they are predicted to finish out of the top four places for the first time since 1996, a situation which would, presumably, lead to the spontaneous combustion of Piers Morgan, so it’s not all bad then.

Liverpool and Manchester City are set to complete the top four, City bringing up the rear which would be a pretty poor return for Pep Guardiola’s first year at the helm. Little wonder he’s already talking about the end of his career. It might come a bit sooner than he thinks if that computer’s a couple of points off and they end up fifth. With Everton in a league of their own – seventh – the rest is very much of a muchness with 11 points covering West Bromwich Albion in eighth and Middlesbrough in 16th.

The relegation battle will not be going down to the wire by the looks of things, Hull miles off the pace with just 25 points at rock bottom. Three teams will be looking to avoid the remaining two spots but, of course, Big Sam will lead Palace to salvation, finishing 17th with 36 points ahead of Sunderland (33) and Swansea (32), and will then proclaim himself once again the greatest manager of all time while banking his huge bonus and touting himself to any other club he can find with a bigger chequebook.

So there it is. Just remember, a computer worth millions predicted all this. Funny really, because we could have saved all that money by coming up with it in the pub

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